The Pull
On finally understanding what freedom actually means
My whole life I’ve felt it.
A pull toward something I couldn’t name. Something more. Something that felt just out of reach no matter how much I achieved, changed, or rearranged my life.
For a long time I was too young and too unformed to even consider what it might mean. So I ignored it.
Then I mistook it for other things.
A spiritual quest. An ill-fitting relationship. A geography change — maybe if I moved far enough away I could finally become who I actually was. Distance would give me permission to be my true self.
It didn’t work. You take yourself with you everywhere you go.
And through all of it I realize now I was doing one thing consistently — trying not to look too closely at myself. Because looking closely is terrifying. It’s so much easier to meet people’s expectations of you than to make your own path. Expectations are clear. Your own path requires you to know who you are first.
And I didn’t. Not really.
There were glimpses.
Periods where life had a certain flow to it. Where I felt aligned with something true. Where the pull quieted down because I was moving in the right direction.
But they never lasted. And I never understood why.
I kept waiting for the right circumstances. The right relationship. The right body. The right version of my life. Then I would finally become who I was supposed to be.
Then I turned 50.
Something shifted at 50 that I can’t fully explain.
Maybe it was the arithmetic — the sudden clarity that time is not unlimited. Maybe it was exhaustion from performing a version of myself for so long. Maybe it was just finally being ready.
But I got serious. Really serious. About who I am. About what I actually want. About the gap between the person I know myself to be and the person I was showing up as every day.
And I made a decision — quiet, internal, non-negotiable:
No more excuses. No more hiding my life away.
Here’s what I’ve learned since then.
When you start to be okay with who you actually are — not the version you perform for other people, not the version that meets their expectations, not the version that keeps the peace — something remarkable happens.
You stop caring what people think you should be.
Not overnight. Not completely. It’s an ongoing process not a destination. But the direction changes. The pull finally has somewhere to go.
I remember reading a quote — I believe it was Mandela — about being free in yourself. At the time I thought it was beautiful and the context was powerful. But I understood it intellectually not personally.
Now I understand it personally.
Personal freedom isn’t about your circumstances. It’s not about where you live or who you’re with or what you weigh or what you’ve achieved.
It’s the moment you stop needing permission to be who you already are.
That’s the revelation.
This is why I created Stop Starting Over.
To help people close the gap — between the identity they carry in their minds and the life they’re actually living.
Because I believe that gap is at the root of almost everything we struggle with. The regaining. The self sabotage. The starting over. The hiding.
When the inside and outside finally match — when who you know yourself to be becomes how you actually live — you don’t need to start over anymore.
You’ve already arrived.
— Heather