As I read, I kept thinking that, in all but the most frequent situations (my room, the kitchen, etc.), I still have that automatic gauge of "Will I fit? Can I do it? Will it break?"
It lasts for less than a second, then the mental reply dashes in giving the answers... "of course you'll fit! You can walk miles! It would never break at your light weight!" That information lasts just a tad longer than the "negative" thoughts.
It all feels like those movie images when the sun comes out from behind the black clouds and all is well with the world. Always shocking. Always welcome.
The gauge running for less than a second before the new answer arrives. That's exactly it, the old map still loading, the new one interrupting it before it can take hold.
What strikes me about what you've described is that you're not trying to silence the first thought. You're letting it run and watching it get corrected. That might actually be healthier than the alternative, the old map disappearing completely would mean forgetting everything it cost you to get here.
I kind of hope that part doesn't go away either. It's evidence of the whole journey in a single moment.
So, walking to the kitchen, wiping my ass, getting out of bed... now "normal" things I don't think about is what's going to happen with the chairs in restaurants? The clothes I will fit in? It will be automatic?
I hope not because I don't want to take anything for granted. I walk out the door for a walk and I want to cry each day because it is actually something I can do... without/with thinking - at the same time.
I was going to ask if I would eventually take things for granted, but I will tell my psyche to remember every nuance. I can't forget.
Beautiful! Thanks for mentioning me... very kind.
As I read, I kept thinking that, in all but the most frequent situations (my room, the kitchen, etc.), I still have that automatic gauge of "Will I fit? Can I do it? Will it break?"
It lasts for less than a second, then the mental reply dashes in giving the answers... "of course you'll fit! You can walk miles! It would never break at your light weight!" That information lasts just a tad longer than the "negative" thoughts.
It all feels like those movie images when the sun comes out from behind the black clouds and all is well with the world. Always shocking. Always welcome.
I kind of hope that part doesn't go away.
The gauge running for less than a second before the new answer arrives. That's exactly it, the old map still loading, the new one interrupting it before it can take hold.
What strikes me about what you've described is that you're not trying to silence the first thought. You're letting it run and watching it get corrected. That might actually be healthier than the alternative, the old map disappearing completely would mean forgetting everything it cost you to get here.
I kind of hope that part doesn't go away either. It's evidence of the whole journey in a single moment.
So, walking to the kitchen, wiping my ass, getting out of bed... now "normal" things I don't think about is what's going to happen with the chairs in restaurants? The clothes I will fit in? It will be automatic?
I hope not because I don't want to take anything for granted. I walk out the door for a walk and I want to cry each day because it is actually something I can do... without/with thinking - at the same time.
I was going to ask if I would eventually take things for granted, but I will tell my psyche to remember every nuance. I can't forget.